Oh My God...Christians! Part 2 - God the Sadist

God is a sadist, egotist, and possibly bipolar or schizophrenic 

I'm going to embark on a bit of a hypothetical side trip now, to prove a point that doesn't really need to be proven. Most because I'm a prick, and love shooting figurative corpses. So let's assume for a while that, against all logic, I believe in the Christian god, and believe that the bible is his word, to the letter. ok....getting into mindset....god is good, god is good..god know everything that ever is, was or shall be....alpha, omega, Great I AM....god created heavens and earth....so far so good.... god made paradise on earth....even better....god...created man, then punished him for original sin....Goo...wait a second....

God created man, knowing full well that he was going to sin, then punished him for it... that's interesting... there are a few different conclusions we can draw from this:

• God has no foresight, and was therefore unaware that original sin was going to occur. This is a definite possibility and has further implications than just his lack of foresight. Without foresight, god is capable of fault, because he could not be aware of the consequences of his actions in advance. Gen 6:6 - “And the Lord was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart”
  Hmm... regret... this doesn't sound to me like the emotions of someone who is all knowing...
• God is not his own master. This one has actually been suggested to me by Christians as well, and is supported by the above verse. He created man, knowing that the shit was going to hit the fan not because he wanted to, but because he was Compelled to do so.
• God is Prick. This one is pretty self explanatory. God created man of his own free will, knowing that he was going to sin. The big question here is what kind of reasonable being would do something like that? The only answer I can come up with is that God thinks of people as unimportant playthings, and has one fucking sick sense of humor.

It's been well documented the punishment for sin is death (Rom 6:23 - "The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.") and yet in his “Grace” god decided to give Adam and Eve a second chance at life – this time on their own. Adam and Eve had two children, who each took a wife for themselves...wait what the fuck? The bible is about as comprehensive as books come, and yet I don't remember reading anything at any point in the Torah about there being people in the world other than Adam and Eve at this point in time... oh well, I'll just shrug that one off. Maybe it's a typo, or a mistranslation. Then, When Cain Kills Abel, God allows him to live...wow what a wonderful, and graceful guy. I think. He could just as easily be just be a liar (he either never intended to go through with it, or didn't have the power to do so), a pussy (Like a bad parent, he just couldn't make the punishment he promised stick), or non-fucking-existent. The bible is full of stories like these ones about God's grace, and forgiveness. This proves once and for all that god loves each and every one of us.

The End.

Wait, aren't we forgetting something though? What about the people god did punish? For someone so compassionate, he's got a hell of a lot (no pun intended) of blood on his hands. In Genesis alone, god manages to:

• advocate Ritual animal, and human sacrifice, which is just plain fucked up.
• Drown the entire population of Earth, animals included with the exception of Noah, his family, and “two of every sort of animal”. Two. of EVERY sort. A conservative estimate would have the number of Species on earth at between one and two million, though most estimates are more vague and suggest between three, and thirty million species. This means that in addition to his family, Noah would have had well over two million animals on board his ship. The accepted size of the “Ark” is 300 cubits long, and 50 cubits wide (or in metric 137m x 23m). Granted that is one fucking big wooden ship, but there's not a chance that it was capable of holding more than two million animals, as well as their respective fodder for seven days. Then when they got off, the ark, where were they supposed to get their food from? Everything had been washed out. This is without even going into the improbability that Noah actually had even one of every species available to him. But that's enough about the Implausibility of the bible – that was the last article. My real point here is that although drowning the earth was supposedly a punishment to mankind for being evil are we meant to believe that every last person was so hopeless and horrible that they deserved to die? What about the animals? Imagine you're a bear or something, frolicking around in the woods – a happy brown bear. Eating berries and shit. Suddenly, you're under a few thousand feet of water because some asshole in Babylon doesn't know that no means no. hardly seems “just” that animals should suffer for mankind's sin, does it?
• Blow up Sodom and Gomorrah. God rained fire brimstone on two whole cities for being “evil”. Seriously, are we supposed to believe that every last one of them was evil? On the same day, Job's wife was turned into a pillar of salt, which considering the reputation of Sodom and Gomorrah, has very interesting implications....
• kill two of Judah's Children – one for either masturbating, or refusing to impregnate his brother's wife. The other, who is hilariously named “Er” (I Swear I'm not making this up – I had to read this passage four or five times before I realised that it was supposed to be a person's name and not just the writer hesitating) was killed for, you guessed it, being evil. Interesting that a book that uses the word “Evil” as an excuse for killing people so much doesn't actually define the word evil. Doesn't that really just give god free reign to kill whoever he wants?

That is just the first book. The first of sixty six. Shit. Things get even more crazy in Exodus, but don't take my word for it – read it yourself. I assure you it's more violent, and fucked up than every action and horror movie you've ever seen put together. God has also been quoted to say that people should “be Fruitful and Multiply” in Genesis. It seems to me like he just wanted more people around to kill. Or perhaps he was thinking ahead, and decided a few thousand years in advance that he wanted to fuck people up with overpopulation.

Another small piece of madness that people often seem to pass over in the bible is how insanely jealous and egotistical god seems. Of the original ten commandments, Four of them are essentially God trying to affirm that there is only one god to believe in, and that he'll smite you for worshiping anything else (though this is condensed to just two in More contemporary interpretations). There's also numerous passages where he illustrates in great depth how powerful and eternal he is (Most notably Revelation 1:8). There is in fact a likely historical reason for this. The Christian God, Originally called Yahweh, started out as a part of the same pantheon as Ba'al and El (Known as the Levantine, or Canaanite Pantheon). About Two and a half thousand years ago, a small group of Canaanites decided that their patron god, Yahweh, should be Exalted and revered above all other gods as the creator. A similar thing happened years Earlier in both the Norse and the Egyptian religion with Ra and Odin Respectively. Because Monotheism is far simpler than polytheism, People seem to take to it fairly quickly. After that it was just a matter of writing it down for all to see that Yahweh was the only god you were allowed to worship anymore, and If you worshiped Ba'al as well, he was going to smite the shit out of you.

“But Daniel” you're probably thinking right now “most Christians don't study the old testament – not seriously at least.” The bible is either god's word or it isn't. If you don't like the old testament, take it out of the bible, or stop calling the bible “the word of god”. Then you won't have to deal with assholes like me telling you that god is history's greatest serial killer. I've researched this thoroughly enough to understand the reason generally given for not studying the old testament, but in reality, there are more reasons for a Christian to study it than not. In Jesus most famous sermon (Matthew 5) he says “Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill. For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven”

Jesus to obey the old laws and prophets, not “Ignore the old testament because it's fanatical garbage”. I could

Some of the things that God considers “sinful” make perfect sense when put in their original context. Not “committing adultery” in an age where syphilis is rife sounds like a pretty sensible move to me (though thanks to the good ol' condom, that one's obsolete now). Some of them however, seem to be more of an attempt at trying to separate people from animals as much as possible, and make us miserable in the process by making out lives as unnatural, and therefore uncomfortable as possible. Here are some examples of normal, animalistic/human things which are considered sinful, and therefore punishable by death. Some of which, we don't even have control over. You may also be interested to know that these are all from the new testament.

• Fornication
• Evil, or “unrighteousness” - although the bible tells us that we can never be truly righteous in the eyes of god
• Envy
• Murder – Yes, I do believe that it's fairly normal for animals to kill each other. Watch the discover channel for fifteen minutes, and you'll agree. It's more the way people kill each other I personally object to.
• Greed
• Whispering – I swear I'm not making this shit up, It's in there.
• Being Homosexual
• Having malicious, sexual, or otherwise “evil” thoughts
• Boasting
• Disobeying your parents
• Being uneducated
• Being educated
• being deceitful
• killing anything
• Curiosity
• Blasphemy
• A slave attempting escape, refusing it's master, or not taking a beating in good grace.
• refusal of a raped woman to marry the man who has raped her

Is there person, or even animal that has lived since the beginning of time that could live up to that standard of morality? Highly unlikely by my reckoning. In fact, I'm fairly sure that everyone I've ever met in my life Should be dead in the eyes of god. Thankfully though, god did something to save all of us. Something that would very conveniently account for his lack of interaction with the physical world since the beginning of recorded history – The redemption.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” - we've all heard it hundreds of times. The entire religion is based on it. Jesus was crucified, and died for our sins so that we didn't have too. Wait, his only son? I though we were all God's Children... this is really getting confusing...Probably another typo. So let me get this straight. God creates man – a creature that is designed to be free to do and think as we please like everything else on earth. He then imposes rules on man, rules so tough that no one can possibly obey them. Next he makes the punishment for those rules death, so that he has free reign to kill anyone that he wants. God is perhaps worshiped out of fear. Those who are not dead thank god for forgiving them, though they perpetually sin. God feels at some point like he's murdered enough for a while, and decides that it's time to change the dynamic of his relationship with mankind. Then, rather than just saying “OK, I see that you guys aren't going to change, my bad. I'm going to ease up on the killing now, and just let you live your lives the way you want to”, he impregnates another man's wife, then kills the child as some form of sadistic symbolism so that he can forgive us for our sins.

Seriously, if that isn't the most ridiculously messed up thing I've ever heard.... God had a son, so that he could kill him for dramatic effect. Now personally, I think that's a lot worse than the abortions that Christians are all up in arms about. The entire premise of Christianity is so obviously flawed, that even a child should be able to see it. Just to really drive the point home, let's try applying the same narrative to a human situation.

Dave is mechanic. A good Mechanic. The Best there is. He is also a man of strong Ideals – he's clean, punctual, only drinks on Friday and Saturday nights, Loves AC/DC, Pigging and high powered cars. he strongly believes that women are essentially around to make men's lives easier. One day, Dave get's married and has a Daughter. When she is very young, Dave dotes on her, and showers her with gifts, but as she grows older, she changes. At a young age, she shows a lot of curiosity, and is very intelligent, always trying to solve problems. In her teens, she becomes an Avid feminist, starts experimenting with drugs, attends animals rights protests, joins an experimental jazz group, and refuses to drive because it's bad for the environment. Her and her father argue consistently, and had even come to blows a few times. Dave is depressed, knowing that he had made a mistake in conceiving his daughter, but he has a solution to the problem of their estrangement. He sleeps with his best friend's wife. She quickly falls pregnant with a son. He is born, and raised with surprisingly little complication By The mother, and her husband, both of them knowing openly who the father is, but not telling the child. He is the perfect son that Dave had always wanted. Basically, a mirror to Dave himself, though perhaps a little better at dealing with people When his son is old enough to have fully formed ideology, he brings his two children together, and explains they they are all family, and that though his daughter had been a consistent disappointment to him, he still loved her, and was going to prove it. And he does – he nails his son to the wall in front of his daughter, and says “see how much I love you? This Is why I Fucked Bob's wife all those years ago! So I didn't have to nail you to the fucking wall!"

If you can't see how messed up that is, then there's really no hope for you. Creating something/someone does not give you the right to have control of every facet of it's life for the rest of time. Particularly when you create something with the intelligence to chose it's own path. Face it, God treats us worse than we treat animals. Just to make things a little more insane, Christians also believe that God and Jesus are, in some sense of the word, the same. Does this mean that God Committed Suicide?

Let me lead us all in a new prayer.

Dear God,

I'm sorry that we've all been such a disappointment to you all these years, and that we could not be the perfect children you wanted. Granted you haven't been the best role model, with the killing and all, but we do appreciate everything you've done for us, despite your occasional spat of madness or violence. What we would really appreciate now, is for you to understand that we are all old and wise enough now (and have been for the most part for several thousand years) that we can make our own decisions. We can use our own internal sensibilities to know right from wrong, and if we make a mistake, we'll learn from it. We're to old for your rules, and quite frankly, your idea of right and wrong needs some serious updating anyway. We do wish that you;d pay a visit every now and then though, we haven't seen you in quite a while, and it might be nice to catch up.

A-Fucking-Men.

In the Third, and (most likely) final installment, I will be talking the bizarre dichotomy that appears in the bible, and the warped way that people are reacting to biblical teachings. Tell your friends.

Daniel.